Gotta Stay P0SI, bro
I'm online tonight writing because fuck studio. I've been in here for five hours and it feels like everything I touch is busting, or won't solder, or looks like shit, or my cuts are bogus.
...went into Iowa Jeweler's Supply today **which no longer exists, btw**. They are closed but Ian still talked to me for an hour about different polishing methods and gave me all kinds of excellent advice for improving my craft. For those of you who don't know, Ian is a jeweler and owner of the shop.. probably in his mid fifties or so. A nice English bloke with a chill family vibe, if you get me.
Long story short, I got super inspired to kill it in the studio and no. That's just not going to happen today. I'm also off of cigs so maybe that's why I'm bitter. I'm not sure.
Also, in regards to my general chipper attitude and the advice that I've shared in all of my previous posts... I did, in fact, do my yoga practice today and it felt great. But I'm still a cranky, sadpuss today. Some days it just feels like I can't do anything right -- probably just setting my sights or goals too high or something. I'm not sure. The dishes aren't done. The laundry isn't done. I didn't get any of the financial documentation together that I was supposed to.
I did apprentice with Ian, kind of. I did finish 3 new nose rings to send out to a few of my girlfriends across the country. I did finally get the solder to flow on bae's new pentagram ring. I did the yoga. I did make coffee and drink it. I did enjoy the thunderstorm this morning...? ha
I don't quite know why I'm so productivity focused. I used to be able to chill when I was a kid... I think. I worry that others will judge me as I judge myself, I think. Because I am only working 25 hours per week right now rather than the usual 40 or more, I feel like when I'm not working I need to do an amazing job building my business or something, and I feel like I'm failing.
I'm just loafing around reading, spending money, and making art.... which is exactly what the fuck I want to do, but I still stress about it. My eye has literally been twitching for two weeks. I never want to tell any of this shit to people because... Idk, I feel like most of the people I know are fronting. And they all have to be cool all of the time? I feel like I don't fit in. It makes me want to move away. It's probably just in my head.
I worry that if someone were to read this they would figure out that I'm not all that strong and they'd be like... haha, why you try so hard girl? You freak me out. Bye.
I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and walk it off.