On Saying Goodbye -- A Love Story
Final talk about the end of our relationship:
He came home last night after bar close and I woke to our darling cat crying for well over 15 minutes for him to come in… She really misses him. He doesn't notice as he's outside trying to point the way home to an overly intoxicated, staggering friend.
He comes in half an hour later and I hear him sit on the couch. I cannot fall back into my rest and I think that perhaps eating the remainder of my hummus wrap from earlier and maybe a chocolate cookie will help. I sit with him and he shows me his new tattoo… a colorful and alien fish from the codex -- he tells me about how it took five hours and that thank god it was raining and so serene outside so he could meditate the pain away. He tells me that he went out afterward and that someone at the bar was pushing a rolled up dollar bill people’s noses... Yes, he had done a lot of cocaine prior to this particular meeting.
To thank the universe for something like this is funny… because I don't encourage this type of shit from my friends, but it did allow us to talk about the last three years and who we are now.
He tells me that he checked out of the relationship months ago... when I originally split us up, addressed our issues and asked for his opinion – so this time has just been really freeing and feels wonderful to him...
and me too, aside from the guilt I felt prior to this day, this conversation.
He tells me about the type of women he’s attracted to – “really bitchy women” "the ones who explode when they are upset about something and get so mad" … “even if it’s towards me” … is a really, really huge turn on for him – the kind of obnoxious women at the bar that I can’t stand to talk to…
How funny we are.
He tells me about how I often look outside of myself for my answers – how this is a flaw... and I understand his logic. All of the answers we seek are within, but this is not what he meant. All of this, his opinion of me, what he means is that I should stop reading books and listening to podcasts. He tells me that this is terribly boring, and basically… If I want to be happy, I have to change what I enjoy doing.
I was so pissed!! and yet terribly happy that I’d finally decided to move on in my own life – he was telling me to rework my life and personality... Don't like books and solitude, it's not attractive.
I saw the signs years ago – When I would tell him about an idea, a large goal for my life, he would tell me that it isn’t worth the time, or that the idea is silly, or that it won’t change the world, or that it will never happen. How dare I let someone else kill my soul fire?
He says he doesn't have interest in my books or podcasts because he doesn't have use for anyone else’s opinion -- that he trusts his gut.
He then talks about how he might have a drinking problem, but it isn’t a problem because it’s not affecting his day to day life. He talks about how he won’t quit smoking because he likes it.
I ask him why he wanted to get married and he says he saw it like a business partnership…
I ask him what I would be bringing to his business?
“You have a beautiful mind… and you think about things in ways I don’t...”
“Yeah, but you don’t want to hear any of my ideas and don’t care about what I’m creating with this mind…”
A moment of mutual understanding... And we’re both much healthier for this.
We ended the conversation with a cigarette on the porch and I told him how happy I am that I’m not lying to myself anymore. He came over and put his arms around me and we hugged for a couple of minutes… Saying goodbye and appreciating how different we are.
And we moved on. We fell asleep.
Today is a new day. I am awake.